btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
