Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
