I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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