it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
