whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
