It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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