you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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