I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
