Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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