i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
