I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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