The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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