You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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