Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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