So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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