i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
