My room smells like vodka and shame
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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