I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my sisters under your porch take her home
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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