so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
