I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
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