Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
