I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
