I wish I only lived at night.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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