After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize