Is it normal to miss your booty call?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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