First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
