Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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