I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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