Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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