I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
