Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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