3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
