I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
