I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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