Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
