Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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