What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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