I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
