He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
