Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize