I'm pants shitting drunk right now
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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