ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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