peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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