Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize