If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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