wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
