I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
