the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
