So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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