I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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