You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pants are for mortals
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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