There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
