omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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