i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
