I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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