I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize