I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
