Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I did not marry a roomba.
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