I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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