After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Who died my cat blue again?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
