Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize