No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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