the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
